When closeness no longer happens automatically

Part of this change is connected to the fact that the conditions for closeness shift over the years. While in earlier phases of life it often arises from shared activity or physical attraction, in midlife it is more strongly influenced by how people feel overall. Sleep, physical changes, professional pressure, and family responsibility interact more intensely than before. Many women therefore experience this phase as a time of heightened self-awareness, in which they sense more precisely what is good for them and what is not.

Under these conditions, closeness arises less from habit than from the feeling of being seen and understood. For men, this shift is not always easy to recognise, because it is rarely spoken aloud. What could once emerge through shared activity or humour now depends more strongly on whether a conversation feels genuinely attentive and present.

Attention instead of solutions

Many men respond to tension in relationships with the initial impulse to find solutions. They try to analyse problems, clear up misunderstandings, or propose concrete changes. This approach is helpful in many areas of life. In relationships, however, it does not always have the intended effect.

Many women describe that in this phase of life they long less for quick solutions than for genuine attention. A conversation that does not immediately shift into organisation or problem-solving can therefore sometimes create more closeness than a well-intentioned suggestion. It is less about fixing the situation than about being present in it together.

For men, this does not mean they need to change their personality. Humour, lightness, and pragmatism remain important elements of any relationship. What matters more is that alongside these qualities, space is created again for moments in which conversations are not purely functional. Such moments appear unremarkable, but often have a significant effect on the sense of connection.

Why men rarely talk about it

Another factor frequently plays a role in this phase: the different social networks of men and women. Women speak on average far more often with female friends about personal topics and generally have several close relationships in which such conversations are possible. Men, by contrast, often have smaller networks. Many have one or two good friends with whom they spend time, but talk significantly less often about personal or emotional topics.

When relationships become more difficult, men therefore sometimes lack a space in which they can reflect on their own perspective. Conversations with friends could fulfil this role, but are often not used for this purpose. Instead, many men try to process tensions alone or focus more heavily on work and everyday life.

This form of self-reliance is frequently interpreted by society as strength. At the same time, it can mean that problems remain unspoken for longer. While women more often talk through their experiences and thereby gain new perspectives, many men tend to stay with their thoughts internally.

Seeking help – a step many find difficult

Professional support is perceived with similar reservation. Psychological counselling or couples therapy can be a helpful space for many couples to understand entrenched communication patterns. Nevertheless, many men find it difficult to consider this step. Therapy is quickly associated with personal failure or weakness, even though in reality it is often simply a structured form of conversation. Added to this is the discomfort of opening up and addressing personal topics in front of a stranger — or even one’s own partner. Yet this is precisely what couples therapists are trained for: they can handle difficult situations, mediate, and help make both challenges and possible ways forward visible. The prerequisite, however, is the willingness to engage with the process.

This reluctance means that many couples reflect on changes only late, and together. Both partners sense that something has shifted, but neither finds it easy to raise the topic openly. Women often wish for more emotional presence, while men are uncertain how to respond. Closeness in this phase of life therefore rarely arises through grand solutions or dramatic change, but often begins with something simpler: the willingness to become curious about each other again. After many years together, a relationship means not only stability but also the capacity to perceive one another anew.

When Conversations and Therapy Are Not Enough

Not every relationship can be brought back into a workable shape through greater understanding or better communication. Even when both partners make an effort, needs, expectations, and forms of closeness can diverge so far over the years that no common ground remains that is sustainably liveable for both.

Many stay nonetheless – not out of conviction, but because of circumstances: shared history, responsibility, financial entanglement, or the open question of what a life alone would even look like. Some couples find a quiet intermediate solution: they continue living under one roof, but in separate rooms or on different floors. What looks strange from the outside is for some a pragmatic response to a complex situation. Whether it is sustainable depends on whether both partners actually want this – or whether one of them is simply buying time.

When separation becomes unavoidable, many experience it initially as failure. Research paints a more nuanced picture. Couples in Germany separate after an average of 14 to 15 years together – often not out of indifference, but because both have changed. And what follows is not necessarily worse. Studies show that children suffer less in the long term from a separation than from sustained conflict within an unhappy relationship. For the partners themselves, a separation can mark the beginning of a phase in which both see more clearly again who they are and what they need.

There are couples who become friends after separating. Not many, but they exist – and they show that the end of a romantic relationship need not be the end of a human connection. The prerequisite is usually that both process the separation not as a defeat, but as an honest decision. That is easier said than done. But it is possible.

Whether a relationship should be continued is not decided by how long it has existed. It is decided by whether a form of connection still exists that sustains both partners – not only in daily life, but emotionally as well. When that has not been the case for a considerable period, it is worth asking that question consciously. Leaving it unanswered out of habit or fear of change is not strength. It is postponement.

References

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• •Courtenay W.H. et al. Constructions of masculinity and their influence on men's well-being: a theory of gender and health. Social Science & Medicine. 2000.
• •Hunter M.S., Rendall M. et al. Bio-psycho-socio-cultural perspectives on menopause.
  Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynaecology. 2007.
• •Umberson D., Karas Montez J. et al. Social relationships and health: a flashpoint for health policy. Journal of Health and Social Behavior. 2010.
• •Lachman M.E., Teshale S., Agrigoroaei S. et al. Midlife as a pivotal period in the life course: balancing growth and decline at the crossroads of youth and old age.  International Journal of Behavioral Development. 2015.